A complete and utter mess.

I know this is not permanent, but this is how i'm feeling right now and that is okay.

"I want to make my ugly feelings and messy thoughts sound pretty, but pretty has never been my forte."

This isn't going to be like my other posts, but it will be a real one. Messy, imperfect and all over the place.

Somehow I always end up here, feeling guilty for not being as real on social media as I'd like to be. It is a double feeling. Having a "some what big audiance" makes me feel like I have to use it for the greater good.I feel this need to tell you about all by struggles in order for you to know that it's all okay and that your struggles are normal too. But on the other hand I like having my little nice problem free place on the internet where everything looks pretty.In a world where It seems like you have zero control,it feels nice have full control over your social media account. Seems silly but for me it does. This full control also makes me onehundred percent responsable for everything which is scary. Getting comments and messages about people thinking i'm perfect, thinking I have a perfect life or in the worst case think they want to be me, makes me upset and maybe even a litte disappointed in myself for not spreading messages I believe in more, or not letting you in more on what is really going on. But where do you draw the line, when is it too up close and personal? 
I want people to realise that seeing the pictures I take and reading some of the things I write is just a tiny miniscule percentage of me. You may know some things about me, but don't confuse that with actually knowing me.

I'm very good at overthinking, worrying, not making decisions, and most of all doubting myself. I've been feeling insecure, not just about this meaty vessel that holds my thoughts, but about my thoughts. My creations, my feelings and abilities. This comes to show that having 45000 followers and getting 100 comments on your appearance doens't mean shit when it comes to this. It doesn't change the ways you feel about yourself.

I'm completely lost regarding all aspects of this life.
I feel like I am floating and falling at the same time, not really getting anywhere. 
Maybe all this self doubt is the reason I still haven't picked a study, maybe this is also the reason i've never been in a relationship with someone, maybe this selfdoubt is the reason I'm not creating as much. 
 But Maybe next week i'll be dancing naked in my house again, loving every inch of this body and every thought that makes me, me. 
But some days, like today I don't, and I wanted to share that.

Just know that I don't know either, I haven't figured out who I am yet or what I want to do with my life. And that is fine, even though It can feel like it's not.
Well that's about it, i'll get back to the iceland posts once i'm starting to feel more like myself again.
I hope this in some ways makes sense, if not i'm blaming it on the full moon situation ;-) 

lots of love, Sophie

10 opmerkingen

  1. It's indeed okay to feel like that... So many people haven't figured out what they really want to do with their life, who they are... it's a process to find that out I guess. Hope you don't feel lost anymore soon, and that you'll find your own unique way in life. <3

  2. Thank you. I think this is important to understand that we all have our insecurities, and the fact that you are becoming someone who have a voice for an audience must be difficult, but it also can be a strength, because you can tell people messages like this which are as important as the happy ones.

  3. Honestly, you inspire me because of your honesty, especially with these photos but also all the photos, you depict parts of your life. Thank you for that.

  4. "I feel this need to tell you about all by struggles in order for you to know that it's all okay and that your struggles are normal too. But on the other hand I like having my little nice problem free place on the internet where everything looks pretty."

    This is exactly how I have been feeling lately. The perfectionism mindset that comes with Instagram and blogging can be debilitating. Having the right aesthetic and photos and streamlined site can be points of pride and lots of fun, but it can also be super...hollow, somehow? It's all about appearances. Thank you for being humble and honest and sharing this because it's easy to forget there are real people behind these screens. You're definitely not alone in this!!

  5. Thank you for sharing, Sophie. Next time you think that you need to figure out who you are or what you want to do with your life (and trust me, I so often feel the same), just remember that you are already someone and you are already doing incredible things with your life (be it photography, inspiring others or dancing naked in the house). Those are all important. I'm sure you are a beautiful human being including all those messy things that we don't get to see on social media. Good luck with everything!


  6. Thank you for sharing your doubts with us even though it is such a hard thing to do. I can relate to most of this article and it feels nice to see that we all have the same concerns as humans beings. Lots of love from france !

  7. It's refreshing seeing someone open to sharing with their audience with their real thoughts and feelings. I can relate a lot to the extremes of loving your body and then hating it so thank you. from sophie :)

  8. Thank you for sharing this. It made me realise that everyone has their dark sides. Not just me.
    I feel like I´m not really myself right now. Like I´ve lost myself a bit somewhere. I want to do so many things, want to achieve so many things, want to have some kind of impact on this world. I just don´t know how and what and when and it´s not really working. There are so many opportunities out there, so many things I can do. But instead of doing those things, I´m staying in my comfort zone, scared to get out.
    And I feel you, I´ve never had a relationship either. I wish I had someone I loved and that person loved me back. Maybe I´ve read too many books, but it seems so nice and pure to me. Sometimes I´m somehow longing for this kind of love.
    But yeah, this is probably just a less happy time now. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I´m so happy with the face that is looking back. But sometimes I can´t look in the mirror, because I know I will only become sad and insecure.
    Anyway, thanks for sharing. I like these kind of personal messages :)