A complete and utter mess.

I know this is not permanent, but this is how i'm feeling right now and that is okay.

"I want to make my ugly feelings and messy thoughts sound pretty, but pretty has never been my forte."

This isn't going to be like my other posts, but it will be a real one. Messy, imperfect and all over the place.

Somehow I always end up here, feeling guilty for not being as real on social media as I'd like to be. It is a double feeling. Having a "some what big audiance" makes me feel like I have to use it for the greater good.I feel this need to tell you about all by struggles in order for you to know that it's all okay and that your struggles are normal too. But on the other hand I like having my little nice problem free place on the internet where everything looks pretty.In a world where It seems like you have zero control,it feels nice have full control over your social media account. Seems silly but for me it does. This full control also makes me onehundred percent responsable for everything which is scary. Getting comments and messages about people thinking i'm perfect, thinking I have a perfect life or in the worst case think they want to be me, makes me upset and maybe even a litte disappointed in myself for not spreading messages I believe in more, or not letting you in more on what is really going on. But where do you draw the line, when is it too up close and personal? 

I want people to realise that seeing the pictures I take and reading some of the things I write is just a tiny miniscule percentage of me. You may know some things about me, but don't confuse that with actually knowing me.

I'm very good at overthinking, worrying, not making decisions, and most of all doubting myself. I've been feeling insecure, not just about this meaty vessel that holds my thoughts, but about my thoughts. My creations, my feelings and abilities. This comes to show that having 45000 followers and getting 100 comments on your appearance doens't mean shit when it comes to this. It doesn't change the ways you feel about yourself.

I'm completely lost regarding all aspects of this life.

I feel like I am floating and falling at the same time, not really getting anywhere. 

Maybe all this self doubt is the reason I still haven't picked a study, maybe this is also the reason i've never been in a relationship with someone, maybe this selfdoubt is the reason I'm not creating as much. 

 But Maybe next week i'll be dancing naked in my house again, loving every inch of this body and every thought that makes me, me. 

But some days, like today I don't, and I wanted to share that.

Just know that I don't know either, I haven't figured out who I am yet or what I want to do with my life. And that is fine, even though It can feel like it's not.

Well that's about it, i'll get back to the iceland posts once i'm starting to feel more like myself again.

I hope this in some ways makes sense, if not i'm blaming it on the full moon situation ;-) 

lots of love, Sophie

Ice ice baby / Iceland shot on portra 400 35mm film

  "Maybe the fact that it took me around 10 minutes before I had the guts to ask these guys if I could take their picture or maybe it's the look on the little guy's face, but this right here is probably my favorite picture i've ever taken." and as my dad kindly pointed out, it's not even in bloody focus.

So this month I decided to visit one of my oldest friends in one of the most beautiful countries in the world; Iceland. I'm pretty sure that when you hear the word Iceland, snowy mountains and northern lights come to mind. Both of which I did see (crazy, I know) but somehow I found it hard to capture this immens beauty through my lens. I quess it's just something you need to experience. Seeing all these amazing shots taken in Iceland, somehow made me believe I had to become a nature photographer all of a sudden haha. This ended up in me taking some pretty average (but good memory) holiday pictures which i'll share with you along with a little travel diary thingy & maybe some Iceland tips in my next blogpost. For now I just wanted to share the ones I found to be the most visually pleasing, I mean some nice coloured film shots never hurt nobody right? ;-)

Yellow roses, jazzy tunes, sunburned cheeks & garlic sause

While scanning the film I got developed this week from my trip to Paris I stumbled upon this folder on my laptop, filled with pictures I love but somehow never posted. They are from a lovely day spend with my beautiful friends. Pictures of  Laura twirling around the beach in Overveen, dancing in some strangers apartment captured by Naomi, us eating falafel made my moma Ishara. Even though I've taken these photo's almost two months ago (& I'm all about chronological posting) I can't just let them collect dust in the endless folders on my laptop. It was a too good of a day for that. So here they are. I hope you are now longing for happy sunny beach days with friends as much as I am right now.

Joost(my not so little brother) had woken up with a swollen eye. I was facinated and a bit grossed out by the way it made him look, and somehow felt the need to capture it. 

He didn't really get it but let me take his picture anyway.

Shot in the small alleys I used to fear, by the old flat I used to pass when walking home after gym class. 

It brought me back to the time I used to bike around town with my friends at night, secretly drinking energy drinks and playing truth or dare at the playground by the pond. 

It scared me how fast time passed, and how your view of a town you used to think was hideous is now a town covered in a blanket of childhood memories.

Shot on Ilford 400, 35mm black & white film by me. 

A three day trip to Berlin / A film travel diary

This was my exact face when I found out I had a few days off. Happy, tired and a bit nervous. You see this was it, I had no work excuses, no nothing. Not sure where to go, but I needed to get out. Out of this rut that is, working, eating, sleeping, being tired, sleeping, working and quess what, more working. After searching the web for cheap flights and being pretty disappointed I remembered that this girl, Johanna, that I followed on instagram once commented that "If I would ever be in Berlin I could crash at her place", Not sure if this was a real offer or not, I decided to message her. Well one thing lead to another and a few days later I was standing in front of her apartment. Not without facetiming and background check, don't be naive my children.

I booked my bus ticket with Flixbus, they had mixed reviews, but if you are okay with holding your pee for a couple of hours, not sleeping & being late they are great. But hey what can you expect from a 50 euro retour ticket. Atleast they had places to charge your phone + pretty decent wifi. If you download enough series on netflix, plus are lucky enough to have your bus driver stop to get fries it is not half bad. I mean they got me to Berlin in one piece and that's pretty much all I wanted.

After being on that bus for around 11 hours it was time to test my German skills by getting myself a travel day ticket and finding the U-Bahn station. Thanks to google maps I managed to find Johanna's place "all by myself". And there I was, walking in the rain in another country standing in front of a strangers apartment with my ugly backpack and a too large suitcase (somehow I always pack way more than I actually need, it's a gift) I couldn't stop laughing at myself, was this it? Had I officially lost my mind, probably.

Being welcomed by this cute tall human with spot cream on her face was very reasuring, so far so good I thought. I could now finally pee in peace and shower off the stinky smell of that guy sitting next to me. Johanna made me some lovely strawberry cereal bowl and after that it was time to explore the city. The weather was pretty shit the whole time I was there, but at least that made for some quality café drawing talking sessions. It was very funny how i'd been talking about this place i'd been to the previous/first time I was in Berlin and we unintentionally ended up there. The RAW gelände is this place with expo halls, food stands, vintage clothes, a indoor skatepark and LOTS of street art. Johanna got gifted some free recycled plants (which she later forgot at a café, shame on you for leaving your plants Johanna)

We did the typical photobooth thing, had coffee at a cute café, shared a very delicious cookie and wandered around Berlin. After Johanna took me to this amazing Asian place called Unami, where I had the best fucking tofu of my life. Being two tired beans, we headed to bed early to explore more the next day.

Barely awake and my tea and cereal are already being made. I quickly hopped into the shower where I could hear Johanna singing and playing her ukelele (My shower time has peaked and there is no going back now) It was going to be a good day, the sun was starting to show her face so we decided to pay a visit to the Botanical gardens. This being a very spontanious trip, the botanical gardens where pretty much the only thing I knew I wanted to see, and man did they not disappoint.

Next up we went to a very cute english bookshop, where Johanna couldn't help herself and ended up buying multiple books, one of which she ended up reading to me on the metro home. We stopped at the greentea cafe along the way for some greentea, cheesecake journal time and ended up going home, putting our pj's on and eating very delicious home cooked pasta in bed.

On my last day I felt like I hadn't sniffed enough of the culture so we decided to go to a museum and ended up at a Jan Toorop expo. We sat there in an almost empty museum, me drawing Johanna, and Johanna writing, the museum guard was very amused by us ;-) After admiring the works we went to this really big second hand store, I mean i'd like to think that i'm quite the thrifting expert, but hell this thing was so big I got overwhelmed, at least I did my wallet a favor. Being tired of walking with our heavy bags (camera bag struggles) we found ourselfs in yet another café, they played nice music, had good coffee but it was all a bit too made to look good. Nonetheless it was good, what was even better was the cheapy pizza we ate in Johanna's apartment after. A truly classy bunch we are.

I am very thankfull for Johanna letting me stay at her place, showing me around and most off all becoming my friend. I had a great three day vacation and am very glad I went eventhough my stomach was telling me not to, the day of departure haha.

I hope to be able to share more travel diaries with you guys in the near future.
For now it is back to work for me.

I wish you all a nice day, lots of love, Sophie.