A complete and utter mess.

I know this is not permanent, but this is how i'm feeling right now and that is okay.


"I want to make my ugly feelings and messy thoughts sound pretty, but pretty has never been my forte."

This isn't going to be like my other posts, but it will be a real one. Messy, imperfect and all over the place.

Somehow I always end up here, feeling guilty for not being as real on social media as I'd like to be. It is a double feeling. Having a "some what big audiance" makes me feel like I have to use it for the greater good.I feel this need to tell you about all by struggles in order for you to know that it's all okay and that your struggles are normal too. But on the other hand I like having my little nice problem free place on the internet where everything looks pretty.In a world where It seems like you have zero control,it feels nice have full control over your social media account. Seems silly but for me it does. This full control also makes me onehundred percent responsable for everything which is scary. Getting comments and messages about people thinking i'm perfect, thinking I have a perfect life or in the worst case think they want to be me, makes me upset and maybe even a litte disappointed in myself for not spreading messages I believe in more, or not letting you in more on what is really going on. But where do you draw the line, when is it too up close and personal? 
I want people to realise that seeing the pictures I take and reading some of the things I write is just a tiny miniscule percentage of me. You may know some things about me, but don't confuse that with actually knowing me.

I'm very good at overthinking, worrying, not making decisions, and most of all doubting myself. I've been feeling insecure, not just about this meaty vessel that holds my thoughts, but about my thoughts. My creations, my feelings and abilities. This comes to show that having 45000 followers and getting 100 comments on your appearance doens't mean shit when it comes to this. It doesn't change the ways you feel about yourself.

I'm completely lost regarding all aspects of this life.
I feel like I am floating and falling at the same time, not really getting anywhere. 
Maybe all this self doubt is the reason I still haven't picked a study, maybe this is also the reason i've never been in a relationship with someone, maybe this selfdoubt is the reason I'm not creating as much. 
 But Maybe next week i'll be dancing naked in my house again, loving every inch of this body and every thought that makes me, me. 
But some days, like today I don't, and I wanted to share that.

Just know that I don't know either, I haven't figured out who I am yet or what I want to do with my life. And that is fine, even though It can feel like it's not.
Well that's about it, i'll get back to the iceland posts once i'm starting to feel more like myself again.
I hope this in some ways makes sense, if not i'm blaming it on the full moon situation ;-) 

lots of love, Sophie